Let’s start dating selfishly

While dating can feel exciting, joyful, connected, and energizing, it can also bring up all of the emotions at the opposite end of the spectrum. Dating often leaves us feeling exhausted, disappointed and results in a blow to our confidence and optimism about finding romantic love at all. The continuous scrolling on dating apps and first dates where we know quickly that the connection isn’t there is draining. It’s no surprise that many want to swear off dating completely. While taking a break can be a way of re-centering ourselves, it often acts as a bandaid, a short-term way to avoid these challenging feelings and our normal, human desire for intimacy and connection still remains. 

I often work with clients in this predicament - they want to find love and partnership but the negative emotions connected to the dating process feel prohibitive. So how do we date better? It is key to start being more selfish in dating. Being selfish in dating does not mean ignoring your partner’s experience and needs. Instead, it means continually checking in with your internal experience, focusing on how you’re feeling, and valuing your emotions by creating space for them within the context of dating. This shifts the process from an anxious place (“Are they into me? Am I enough?”) to a more secure place (“How am I feeling? Am I experiencing the safety/security/connection that I need in a relationship?”). Here’s how being more selfish looks during different stages of dating: 

The First Date

This is the time to take back agency in your dating life. Are you choosing a location for a first date because you think that it will be impressive or it fulfills an expectation about what a date “should” look like? Scratch it. Do you hate going to a bar for drinks on a first date? Don’t do it. What would make the experience fun, regardless of whether or not it’s a romantic match? If you’ve been wanting to go to a gallery opening, suggest it for your date. If you love being outside in nature, plan a walk or hike.  What you’re doing here is shifting focus away from fulfilling subconscious expectations about dating and moving it towards your own internal experience. By taking back agency over your dating life, you begin to send yourself the message that your experience matters - instead of just going through the motions you’re present and actually tuning into your experience. During first dates, rather than getting wrapped up in decoding the other person’s subtle signals, ask yourself, “How am I feeling?” “Am I having a good time?” Make dating a place where you get to learn more about yourself. 

Early Dating

So often our worries in a new relationship center around sensing that a partner’s commitment level differs from our own, getting to the “next” phase of the relationship, or asking ourselves if this is the right match long-term. When we’re starting to date a new partner, it’s important to do just that - date them! This means giving yourself the experience of getting to know your partner, understanding how you feel around them, and learning about your connection. During this stage, there can be too much focus on wondering whether they check all of the boxes for long-term love rather than tuning into whether or not you are feeling the spark. It is important to take your time in this stage and continue to see it as a period of learning. By continually checking in with yourself, noticing how you’re feeling in the presence of your partner, and giving space to your needs and emotional experience, you’ll gain so much valuable information about your dating needs.

Committed Partnership

Once you are in a committed partnership (however you and your partner choose to define it), intimacy increases and some of the hormones that fuel initial attraction and interest can begin to subside. This can also be a time when we start to notice “flaws” or “weaknesses” in our partners. Our partner’s spontaneous and carefree nature can suddenly start to feel like a lack of responsibility or commitment. For some, especially those with avoidant attachment styles, this is the time when thoughts about leaving the relationship can show up - this is not because of a disinterest in their partner or the relationship, but a way of protecting themselves from what can be registered as the threat of vulnerability and emotional closeness. 

So how do we continue to be selfish in this stage of dating? It’s essential to connect to how we’re feeling and express it. Being selfish in this stage means owning and respecting your emotional experience by bringing your feelings to your partner. This builds emotional intimacy and strengthens your communication skills as a couple. Ask yourself  “Are my emotions received and valued when I bring them to my partner?” 

What would feel different if you were more selfish in dating? I help people feel more empowered in their dating lives through individual therapy. Learn more by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation. 

Wondering how to tune into your emotions more effectively? Check out my blog post here.