Can we change our attachment style?
Our attachment style identifies how we relate to others in close relationships. It is often defined by our earliest and most important relationships (most often with our primary caregiver) and impacted by significant interpersonal experiences throughout our lives.
Our attachment style follows into one of two categories, secure, or insecure (including anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles). For many, learning about our attachment style can be empowering - it finally gives us a framework to talk about difficulties in relationships and language to describe the complicated way we feel about intimacy. But for some of us, it can also feel discouraging. I often hear worry about struggling in relationships because of insecure attachment and the question “Can I actually change my attachment style?”
The short answer is yes, we can absolutely shift our attachment style. This is great news! Our brains are plastic and fully capable of meaningful change. The long answer is that it takes awareness, intention, and work to really start to recognize patterns and show up differently in relationships.
Here are some of the ways we can shift our attachment style and move towards more secure attachment:
In a secure romantic relationship
As we move into adulthood, our primary attachment changes from our caregiver to our romantic partner. When we connect more intimately with our partners, it’s natural that our attachment systems begin to send up some pretty strong signals that can feel uncomfortable and confusing. If you have a more avoidant attachment style, you might find that romantic partnership starts to feel uncomfortable once intimacy builds, and your attachment system begins to create doubt in your partner or a strong desire for independence. If you have a more anxious attachment style, you might find your attachment system giving strong warnings when your partner isn’t present, leading you to feel unsafe, uncertain, and reaching out to pull them closer.
By noticing when our attachment system is being activated we can choose to offer ourselves support and reassurance when we’re feeling triggered and communicate with our partners in a healthy way about what we’re feeling and needing. Expressing yourself openly and honestly is the best way to help your partner understand what you need. A secure and dedicated partner will be more than happy to learn about how you’re feeling and what you need in a relationship. When we’re able to express our needs clearly and then have them met in a loving way, we begin to create a new way of relating to our loved ones that over time helps us have a safer and more securely attached relationship.
Expressing yourself openly and honestly is the best way to help your partner understand what you need. A secure and dedicated partner will be more than happy to learn about how you’re feeling and what you need in a relationship. When we’re able to express our needs clearly then have them met in a loving way, we begin to create a new way of relating to our loved ones that over time helps us have a safer and more securely attached relationship.
With a trusted therapist
With the right therapist, you can begin to not only understand your attachment system but to shift into new ways of showing up in relationships. Healing shame, raising self-esteem, and mending the wounds from early relationships can help open up new pathways for secure relationships. Your relationship with your therapist can actually be the first place that you practice secure attachment. A great attachment-oriented therapist can help you notice when activating or deactivating strategies are being used, help you self-soothe, and practice identifying and expressing your needs.
By fostering a healthy relationship with yourself
Getting to know yourself and your thought processes is important for recognizing when your attachment system is activated. Meditation, journaling, and engaging in healthy movement and eating can all be ways of recognizing your body’s signals and caring for them in supportive ways. Journaling your recurring emotions when you think about important relationships in your life and record evidence that contradicts this. For instance, if your partner is out of town for a weekend and you start to notice anxiety, worry, and fear that they won’t be interested in the relationship when they return, identify if this is a pattern and record the evidence contradicting it (such as the text messages you receive while their away or the great date that you had the night before they left).
Though it takes effort, focus, and time, we can all move closer to a more secure attachment. Restructuring attachment style is one of the most powerful parts of my work with clients! Want to learn more? Schedule a free 20-minute consultation.
Wondering how to tune into your emotions more effectively? Check out my blog post here.