Dealing with tough emotions
What does engaging with my emotions in a healthy way actually mean? How do I cope with sadness, fear, and anxiety when they’re triggered? How can I stop feeling lonely/anxious/upset altogether?
These are some of the frequent questions that I am asked at the beginning of my work with new therapy patients. And it makes sense - most of us aren’t taught how to cope with our emotions in a healthy way. Often we fall into two categories: we either push away challenging emotions when they arise (by reaching for distractions such as the phone, tv, or substances, or talking ourselves out of the emotion altogether) or we start to feel swallowed by them (often by ruminating or catastrophizing ie thinking of the very worst thing that could happen).
The problem with these very common ways of responding to our emotions is that we either feel like we’re caught up in a never-ending battle, trying to stave off any negative emotions, or we feel swallowed by them, possibly triggering anxiety and depressive symptoms. So how do we do things differently?
The first part of this process is mindfully noticing our emotions when they arise and noting what happens internally. Maybe your heart starts beating quickly or your breath becomes shallow when you think about a challenging relationship in your life. Or maybe your chest starts to tighten and your shoulders tense in the mornings before you start work at a job that has been stressful or disrespectful of your personal boundaries. These are important signals that we often overlook, instead responding to the intensity of those psychological cues (enter distractions!). Once we can notice how our body is responding, we can label our emotions and meet them with empathy and compassion. Instead of beating ourselves up for feeling very normal, human emotions, we can start to say “this is sadness, ok, that makes sense” and tune into what we are needing to support ourselves when that emotion is present.
The good news is that you likely do this already. There ARE emotions that we let ourselves feel, explore, and experience. Think about the last time you were happy or excited. You noticed the smile growing on your face, the energy throughout your body, the lightness of your breath. You tuned into your senses, body sensations, maybe even noticing how your thoughts jumped to some positive outcomes. You allowed yourself to experience these sensations, noticed the emotional response, and gave yourself permission to be in this space. You allow yourself to be present with the emotions when they’re there, moving through them in a healthy way.
These important steps allow us to begin to explore what triggers our emotions and learn why - the meat of so much deep and meaningful therapeutic work! We can often trace our emotional response patterns back to our families, the way we saw certain emotions expressed or hidden, or traumatic experiences that have happened in our lives. By understanding this and processing our experiences we can rewrite the script of how we respond to challenging emotions.
Ready to shift your relationship to challenging emotions? Schedule a free 20-minute consultation now.