Premarital Counseling
Congratulations! Getting engaged is a significant and exciting milestone. Though entering this new phase of commitment with your partner is filled with love and celebration, it can also feel stressful and is often loaded with unexpected expectations, stress, and challenging conversations that can sometimes lead to conflict. Where do we want to live? What are our expectations around family planning? What is our relationship to money, both as a couple and as individuals? What does a healthy sex life mean to us now and in the future? These questions often arise in addition to the sudden, and often palpable, stress around wedding planning and blending families and can create tension while moving through this period of transition.
Enter premarital counseling. In less mental health-minded times, this was one of the few periods in which couples had support from an outside party to discuss their relationship. While this was often rooted in religious institutions and facilitated by clergy members, it also became a socially acceptable way of talking about the relationship including plans and expectations in a time when couples therapy was unfortunately considered far less “mainstream.” While the powerful impact of couples therapy has fortunately become widely known and accepted, the premarital stage continues to be a natural point in which couples consider counseling. And this is good news!
Why choose premarital counseling?
Many couples come to therapy after years together citing issues that they noticed were present early on in their relationship. While they were in early stages of their relationship they didn’t know how to ask challenging questions or have tough but important conversations that are essential for reaching a healthy place in the relationship and a big part of being married. When we’re early in our relationships, our brains are emotionally hijacked by chemicals that bond us to our partners and we’re more likely to overlook some of the challenging differences or just don’t want to see them. Or sometimes we figure that time (or commitment) will help them go away. We know that this isn’t the case and can often reinforce some of the challenges or disagreements that can feel so painful. Fortunately, we know that addressing issues and having challenging conversations early in relationships helps.
Premarital counseling is a great place to start. In fact, research on premarital counseling shows that couples who completed some form of premarital counseling had a 30% increase in their relationship satisfaction when compared to those who did not. And there’s good reason for this. Doing the work to strengthen your connection, have challenging conversations in a safe and constructive environment not only helps your relationship now, but sets the stage for more satisfying interactions in the future.
What’s discussed during premarital counseling?
The premarital stage is one of big transitions and provides an opportunity to reflect on the relationship while discussing personal values, future goals, and expectations of the relationship. Many types of premarital counseling explore these questions in a very structured way, checking off categories like family planning, finances, intimacy, and career goals. While these are important areas to explore, I am also interested in how couples talk about these issues and the emotions that can arise while exploring challenges or conflicts in the relationship.
What questions are asked in premarital counseling?
Many questions are asked in premarital counseling, but here are a few!
What is the strongest part of your relationship?
How do you approach conflict? What happens when there are disagreements?
How do you plan to manage finances? Will you have joint or separate accounts?
What are your expectations around spending vs. saving money?
Are you on the same page with family planning?
What are your expectations or boundaries around relationships outside of the marriage including friends, family, and coworkers?
Are there shared religious or cultural practices that are important to incorporate into your lives?
How do you feel about your partner’s lifestyle choices (health, diet, exercise, use of substances, sleeping habits, activities, hobbies, and professional drive/achievement)?
How important is your sexual relationship? What does sex and intimacy mean to you?
How do you see your relationship/lives evolving in 10 years? 20 years? 50 years?
Here are some reasons to try premarital counseling.
There are so many great reasons to try premarital counseling. Here are just a few:
We’ve talked about the future…but in pretty vague terms. We’re ready to really explore our views on children, financial planning, gender role expectations, etc in a concrete way.
Our relationship is great…but we can run into some challenges in communication and notice that we get into the same type of disagreement without resolution.
We can’t wait to get married…but issues from our past relationships or challenging family dynamics are coming up in unexpected ways.
Marriage is a commitment…and we want to be in the best place possible to make that commitment last.
What is the outcome of premarital counseling?
I think of premarital counseling as strengthening the emotional foundation of the relationship. You’re going to get a lot thrown at you as a couple, good and bad, big and small. While we can’t predict and address all of these issues now, we can address how we move towards or away from each other during challenging moments and start to create more safety in security even in challenging times. This won’t just help you resolve issues or find solutions now it creates greater intimacy and safety in the relationship for years to come.
During premarital counseling, we’ll talk about how you discuss and resolve challenging issues as a couple. We’ll explore your emotional “raw spots” and notice what happens when they’re triggered. We’ll also get clear about the negative cycles that show up in your relationship that can result in feelings of disconnection.
At the end of premarital counseling, most couples report feeling more connected, emotionally safe in their relationship, and confident in their ability to have challenging conversations in a way that strengthens the relationship rather than creating tension.
How many sessions is premarital counseling?
The number of sessions depends on the unique stage of your relationship, your goals, and what arises during our work together. In general, I recommend between 3-6 months of counseling to really dive into challenging conversations, explore any “raw spots” arising, and build increased trust and security. For some couples, this work happens more quickly. For others, more material arises and they choose to continue therapy to heal in powerful ways. Progress is something that is an ongoing conversation throughout our work together. Ready to see if premarital counseling is right for you? Book time for a consultation call now.
Want to learn more about Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Check out my blog post here.